Ninja Auction
by rapterjc
Summary: The hokage is auctioning off some of the ninjas. Read what some of the ninjas are being forced to do by the bidders.
1. Chapter 1

"Welcome to the Shinobi Auction." The Fifth Hokage said.

"Today Konohagakure will be auctioning off some of its most popular ninja." She said as she pointed to a stage that had some of Konoha's ninja standing in a line.

"How did we get dragged into this?" Sasuke asked the other ninja.

"This is such a drag." Shikamaru said.

"This isn't fair. I wanted to bid for Sasuke, but instead I have to part of the auction" Sakura said.

"This is the most useful activity there is!" Lee said.

"I'm going to raise a lot of money for the village. Who won't bid on the future hokage." Naruto said.

"We're not even part of this village." Temari said to Kankuro and Gaara.

"Come on Akamaru, we're going to raise the most." Kiba said.

"Alright, let's start the auction.

To get your shinobi simply post a review and put in it the ninja you want and what you want the ninja to do. Also to help raise money even the jonins and yes, myself will be up for auction." Tsunade said.

"Yes! Soon all the hot kunoichi's will be mine!" Jiraiya screamed.

"Uh, why isn't he up here. Ts…Tsunade." Shizune said worried.

"Alright to so how to bid, I will pretend to auction off one of them right now." Tsunade said.

"What!" some of the ninja said.

"That means one of us will have to work twice. That's a pain." Shikamaru said.

"Please no fangirls. Please no fangirls." Sasuke said.

"Alright, the ninja to be auctioned off for the pretend round is…**Tenten!" **Tsunade said holding up a card.

* * *

"It's me!" Tenten said.

"Alright since this is practice, I'll keep it simple. I want Tenten to simply wash my laundry." rapterjc said.

"That's it." Tenten said.

--In rapterjc's basement.—

"Alright, there's the laundry and the washer." rapterjc said before he left Tenten in the basement with the laundry.

"This is going to be easy." Tenten said as she lifted up the bag of laundry.

As she lifted the bag of clothes, the bottom of the bag split open spilling the clothes on the cement floor.

"What. Oh come on." Tenten said as she started to pick up the clothes.

As she picked up the last sock, she loaded all the laundry into the machine and pressed the "on" button.

Once the machine was done, she lifted up the lid and started to unload the clothes. With the only piece of clothing left was a sock, Tenten reached into get it out, but found the sock to be stuck.

As Tenten pulled to get the sock out, the sock stayed in place.

"Come on. It's only a sock." Tenten said angry at the sock.

Frustrated, Tenten stood on top of the machine and bent over to pull the sock out. Despite her best efforts the sock remained stuck.

"What's the deal with this sock?" Tenten said.

As Tenten started to pull harder, her feet slipped and she fell backwards and onto the floor.

"Ow, stupid sock." Tenten said in pain as she lay on the floor.

As she opened her eyes she noticed the stuck sock was unstuck and was lying on her face.

Filled with rage, she took the sock in her hands, and began to stab it with her kunai.

"Die evil sock! Die you fing piece of laundry!" Tenten screamed as she kept pulverizing the poor sock.

"Alright that was the practice auction. And a very interesting one." Tsunade said as Tenten got back on the stage.

"I hate socks." Tenten mumbled.

* * *

Let's recap on how to bid.  
Simply post a review, and in it put the name of the ninja you want to see do something funny and the event the ninja will do.  
Remember the event will be twisted around to put the ninja in a funny situation.  
Also it's first come first serve. In other words, if someone already used Kakashi, then I will not use Kakashi until I used five other ninjas


	2. Chapter 2

The first three auctions are done.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

"Alright the first three ninjas have been auctioned!" the fifth hokage said happily as she held three pieces of paper in the air.

All the shinobi up for auction soon gave out a loud cheer.

"The first three shinobi are… Shino, Sasuke, and Shikamaru!" the hokage said as three spot lights shined over the three unlucky fools.

"This is such a pain, and what do you mean by 'unlucky fools'?" Shikamaru said with his eye brow raised.

"Shino, you are to become drunk." The hokage told him. Shino responded by raising a eyebrow.

"Sasuke, you're going to help advertise for a woman strip place. Here's your uniform, just walk around town in it." The hokage said while holding up a pink skirt that didn't reach half down the hips, and a pink tube top that would only fit an eight-year old.\

"KitsuneyJenfner, I will hurt you." Sasuke said as he held the so called uniform.

"Shikamaru, you just have to find a four leaf clover for your client." The hokage said as Shikamaru responded by muttering 'what a pain'.

"Now begin, and don't fail!" the hokage told them as all three fools left.

"There he goes again with 'fools'." Sakura said.

"I don't like this." Ino said.

* * *

In another part of the village, Shino just entered a bar.

"I just have to drink sake. If people think I can be intoxicated that easily then they will be disappointed. My bugs will remove the alcohol from my blood in no time." Shino said as he lifted up the first bottle of sake.

He then began to drink the substance down, and in no time was finished with his first bottle.

"There that was easy." Shino said as he gave out a slight hiccup.

"What…what's happening? I feel weird…uh. Maybe more sake will help." Shino said as he picked up another bottle of sake and drank it. With the second bottle gone, Shino drank another and then another until he drank a total of five bottles of sake.

"Hehehe. I feel weird. I wonder why my bugs didn't remove the sake." Shino wondered.

Back at the ninja auction, Kiba was busy spraying the air around him with bug repellent.

"Kiba do you have to spray that stuff constantly?" Hinata asked him.

"Come on Hinata. This stuff is great. Bugs won't be coming near any of us, not even Shino. I made certain I sprayed him all over with it. Bugs won't bite him." Kiba told his teammate.

"But what about Shino's bugs?" Hinata asked.

"Oh…they probably left him by now." Kiba answered.

"Alright, Shino has finished his fun, and is…drunk. Now let's check on Sasuke." The hokage said.

* * *

On the busiest street in Konoha.

"Hey big boy. You want to check out "Naughty Kunoichi's". They know how to treat a man there." Sasuke said to a man as he left a store. As the left Sasuke, he looked back to see the Uchiha in the uniform.

"Hey you…" Sasuke said to a male ninja. "please…kill me." He added to the ninja.

The ninja however stared scared at the Uchiha, and after five minutes of staring finally ran away laughing his butt off.

"Hey cutie." A man said behind him. Sasuke was then patted on the shoulder by the same man.

Angered by the touch, Sasuke turned around with fire in his eyes to see Jiraiya looking at him.

"Sasuke? What are you…You know Sasuke just because people post pairings of you and Naruto doesn't mean you have to listen to them. Sakura is still a hot kuniochi, and you should at least try her." Jiraiya said as he gave Sasuke a small nudge.

Five seconds later...

"Help! Mad Uchiha!" Jiraiya yelled as Sasuke chased him across the village.

"Sasuke has finished his advertising. Now Shikamaru has to find a clover." The hokage said as Sasuke, back in his regular clothes, walked back in the auction line.

* * *

Outside the village, and in a flower pack.

"Stupid clover. Where are you? All I seen where two leaves, three leaves, and a ten leaves one. " Shikamaru said to himself as he looked at the clovers one by one.

"Hello laddie. What are you looking for in the clover pack." A voice said behind Shikamaru.

Shikamaru looked behind him to see a leprechaun staring at him. As Shikamaru looked at the leprechaun, his eyes became fixed on his hat, as there was a four leaf clover on it.

"Hey weird green guy, give me the clover on your hat." Shikamaru said to the man.

"My hat is it. The clover on my hat." The leprechaun said as he rubbed his small grey beard.

"Tell you what give me a beat and I'll give you the clover." The leprechaun said.

Shikamaru then left the field in search of a beet. His search soon brought him to an old man in the village.

"Old man. I hear that you grow beets. Let me have one." Shikamaru said to the old man.

"Hm…give you one of my beets. I don't now. Tell you what I didn't get to eat lunch today. Get me some ramen and a beet is yours." The old man told Shikamaru.

Minutes later, Shikamaru arrived back at the Auction to talk to Naruto.

"Look Naruto, just give me your ramen." Shikamaru told Naruto.

"But what will I get?" Naruto asked.

"Uh…What do you want?" Shikamaru asked Naruto who responded with a grin.

A hour later.

"Alright here's a photo of Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten without their shirts on. Now give me the noodles." Shikamaru said as he handed Naruto the three photos.

As Naruto handed the ramen over, he looked at the photos and commented on how Shikamaru got them so fast, but Shikamaru told him to not ask.

Shikamaru soon traded the ramen for the beet and made it back to the leprechaun.

"Alright here's your vegetable." Shikamaru said handing over the beet.

"Sorry, but that isn't what I asked for." The leprechaun told him.

"What! You asked for a BEET!" Shikamaru yelled.

"No, I asked for a beat." The leprechaun responded.

"A beat." Shikamaru said with his eyebrow raised.

The leprechaun then took off his leprechaun outfit, to reveal a disco outfit underneath.

"Now give me a beat." The leprechaun said to Shikamaru.

Hours later Shikamaru made it back to the Auction with the clover.

"Alright, the first three were finished. And the next are…" the hokage said.

* * *

Please review and post your auction for the fools.  
Sakura: There he goes again with 'fools'


	3. Chapter 3

The next chapter is up.  
Before I begin with the ninjas tortue. I have one last rule to add.  
-When you bid you can only choose one ninja.  
Sorry chibiclaw, monkeys are awesome, and KittyKatJazz.  
If you want those bids in, please repost them, but with only ninja. If you can't decide, put an 'or' between them and I'll choose the one that I can make the funniest

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

"Alright, the last one brought in so much money. And I just happen to have the names of the next four auctioned off ninja!" Tsunade yelled as she held up four folded envelopes.

"Come on me. I'll do any crazy bid. Nope, there isn't any bidder that can think of something that I won't do!" Naruto yelled.

"Shut up Naruto, I'm trying to hear!" Sakura yelled as she struck him on top of his head.

"Shino you don't look to good." Hinata said worried at her drunken teammate.

"Shino, come on hag, give me something to do." Shino said to the hokage.

"Fine if it will please some of you. The new ninjas auctioned off are…Temari, Tenten, Kakashi, and Kiba!" Tsunade said as four spotlights shined over the four unlucky victims.

"Sakura, the announcer just called them 'unlucky victims.' I'm scared" Ino whispered to Sakura.  
"Just ignore him Ino. He only wants attention." Sakura whispered back.

"Alright, Temari, Voltra wants you to do her chores." Tsunade told her as she handed Temari a list of chores.  
"Tenten you have to kiss Neji." Tsunade said as another spot light shined over Neji, and Naruto gave out a wolf howl.  
"Kakashi, you must fight me…" Tsunade began.  
"Do I have to win?" Kakashi asked.  
"No otherwise you could never complete the auction. Also you must with both legs tied, blind fold, and you could only use Kage Bushin no Jutsu." Tsunade told the nervous jonin.  
What!?" Kakashi yelled panicky as he snatched the paper from Tsunade.  
"Can't Naruto do the transformation instead?" Kakashi asked worriedly.  
"No, you will fight by those guidelines." Tsunade said as she took the paper back.  
'I'll get you DemonShifter.' Kakashi said in his head.  
"Finally, Kiba you must ride Akamaru around town with your clan's ninken and help spread the word of Jiraiya's new book." Tsunade told him.  
"What! That's impossible! Sorry Akamaru." Kiba said to his doomed dog.

"Sakura, he's doing it again." Ino said.  
"Don't worry, I hired a hitman." Sakura told her.

"Now go make the village money!" Tsunade said to the four victims.

"When will the hitman strike?" Ino asked Sakura, who just shrugged.

-----At Voltra's house----

"Alright, the first chore is… feed the dog. Easy." Temari said as she found the golden retriever sleeping in the backyard.

"Dog…check. Bag of dog food." Temari said as she looked around for the dog food. Her eyes soon got sight of the bag as three squirrels carrying the bag up a tree.

"What! Hey you squirrels give that back!" Temari yelled at the squirrels. The squirrels however simply looked down the tree at her, as one of them threw an acorn that hit Temari on the forehead. The squirrels then finished bringing the bag into the hole they lived in.

Ow, you stupid rodents. I'll make you pay for that." Temari said as she took her giant fan and swung it in the direction of the tree. The tree however stood unharmed from the powerful wind.  
Once the wind stopped, Temari could hear the squirrels laughing from inside the hole.

"Laugh at me will they." Temari said as she got a brilliant idea. She then left the yard for a while, but soon returned with a chainsaw.

"Here's Temari." She said as she began to saw the tree down. Once she was finished, the tree fell over, and the squirrels ran out of the hold and left, leaving the bog inside.

With the squirrels gone, Temari was able to feed the dog finally, and was able to begin on the other chores.  
Because there were no interference, Temari was able to clean Voltra's room, and organize her books fast, and was about to begin dusting.

"Alright now I just have to finish the ducting, and I'm down." Temari said as she picked up the small duster.

Once Temari was halfway with the dusting, an acorn struck her on her forehead.  
Knowing the acorn was from the squirrels; Temari stepped outside to face the three rodents, but stopped when she saw that they brought friends.

The three squirrels, assembled an army of thirty squirrels, ten rabbits, and a really angry skunk.

"My luck can not be this bad." Temari said as she stared at the squirrel's army.

"ncikcikckidcikic" one of the squirrels said.

"What?" Temari said unable to speak squirrel.

The squirrel soon handed her a list.

"What is this…Demands!" Temari screamed when she saw what the list was.

"We, the three squirrels from tree 386021, demand that we get paid for the damage to our tree. Our demands are five thousand peanuts, three copies of Icha Icha Paradise, and a new oak tree." Temari read from the list. She soon began to laugh, as she crumbled up the list and threw it back at the squirrels laughing at them.

The squirrels however took action and overran the house and Temari.

--five seconds later—

"I hate squirrels." Temari said as she hanged from a tree branch by her underwear in a wedgie.

"At least the house is dusted. Those squirrels fur really got rid of the dust as they ran across the floor and furniture." Temari said as she gave a sigh of relief knowing the chores are down.

------Back at the ninja auction stage-----

"Alright Tenten you got an easy bid. You just have to kiss Neji." Tsunade said to the young female genin.

"Ok." Tenten said blushing.

As she approached her teammate, a man ran down the street and began scream, "Solar Eclipse! There's going to be a Solar Eclipse in one second!"  
Soon enough the sky became pitch black, and everyone was unable to see.

Unable to see in front of her, Tenten continued to walk in front of her, and stopped once she felt the presence of another being. She could tell by the size and arms that it was one of male genins, and she remembered that Neji was standing in the middle of Hinata and herself. Since she left, there was a gap between Neji and Lee. Tenten then determined that this was Neji, and began to move in for the kiss.

The sunlight soon returned, as Tenten began to kiss the person she thought was Neji. Nervous about the kiss, Tenten closed her eyes even when the light returned. As she still had her eyes closed, she could hear the other ninjas saying 'OOOOOOOHHHHH!' She first thought it was from the kiss, but once she opened her eyes, she saw that she was kissing Naruto.

Shocked to see who she had kissed, Tenten quickly pulled away and began to spit away from the other ninjas.

"Hey come on it wasn't that bad." Naruto said upset about Tenten's reaction.

"Naruto, what were you doing here?" Tenten asked Naruto.

"I wanted to get a better view. If I knew you would kiss me, I would have brushed my teeth and took a breath mint." Naruto said smiling.

Tenten just looked at him in disbelief and fainted.

"Uh, Tenten. Ok, Tenten fainted." Tsunade said. She then leaned over to Shizune and whispered. "Do you think Silent-Babyx will mind about the mix up?" Shizune however shrugged.

"Alright, well let's move to Kakashi. Kakashi are you ready?" Tsunade asked the silver haired jonin.

"Can't we just ignore this bid?" Kakashi asked as he hopped over to Tsunade with a blindfold on and his feet bind.

"Sorry, we already received payment." Tsunade told him.

"Alright, the fight between Tsunade and the…ah restrained Kakashi will begin!" Shizune said acting as the judge for the fight.

Tsunade then ran toward Kakashi and kicked him right in the chest, sending Kakashi flying. Using his reflexes, Kakashi did a summersault in the air and landed on his feet. He the used his feet as springs and shot himself toward Tsunade.

"Kage Bushin no Jutsu!" Kakashi yelled as he formed the hand sign for the jutsu.

Using the three newly created clones, Kakashi lead the clones in a all out barrage of punches against Tsunade.

Tsunade however dodged all the punches and was able to find the real Kakashi. Tsunade then took hold of his arm and threw him across the village.

On the other side of the village, in the women side of the hot springs, Kakashi crashed through the roof and landed in on the border of the springs.

Shocked at Kakashi's entrance all the women were silent as they staid in the water.

"Not a bad punch Tsunade, now to find you." Kakashi said as he hopped forward without knowing where he is.

With no floor beneath him, Kakashi fell into the spring, and soon jumped out screaming from the heat.

"Ah, what are you doing here you perv!" one of the women finally said.

"Huh." Kakashi said as he removed the blindfold. He then stared on in shock to find himself in the women's hot spring.

"Oh sorry. Just excuse me and I'll…" Kakashi began but was soon cut off by one of the women.

"Excuse you. Yeah right. Because of Jiraiya we always have weapons ready to deal with pervs like you!" The woman yelled.

"Perv. Who me. Oh you got it wrong." Kakashi tried to tell them, but the women however refused to listen as they all readied their pitchforks and clubs.

"DemonShifter. I'll get you for this." Kakashi said as the women began to strike him with their weapons.

----on the same street, Sasuke was working on----

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for shirt. I'm so sexy it's hurt." Kiba sang as Akamaru barely carried Kiba across the street with the other ninken following.

"Oh my gosh. That poor dog." One of the women on the street said as she watched the said parade.

"That's animal abuse." Another person on the street said at the site.

"I'm a model you know what I mean." Kiba still sang on Akamaru's back.

"Some on stop him. He's hurting that dog." The same woman said.

Just then Kiba was pulled off Akamaru by two jonins that heard the woman.

"Son, do you like torturing poor dogs?" one of the jonins said.

"What, no. I'm advertising for Icha Icha Paradise." Kiba tried to tell them.

"By torturing poor dogs. You know my little girl has a dog. She loves that dog and so do I. It just sickens me to see you torture this poor animal for your sick business." The other jonin said.

"Listen, a bidder told me to do this." Kiba told them.

"Sure they did. That's what they all say." The two jonins said as they tied Kiba up and threw him in the back of a cart with Kakashi and Sasuke.

"What are you in for Kiba?" Sasuke ask.

"Animal abuse. You?" Kiba replied.

"Attempt at murder on two cases. One for Jiraiya and another for KitsuneyJenfner." Sasuke told him.

"Destroying the roof for the women's bathhouse and spying in a no-spying zone." Kakashi said.

----Back at the stage----

"Alright next bidders please!"

"None of us are going to be sane after this are we?" Sakura said sadly.

* * *

Next bidders please.  
Zolo: It's time for you to pay rapterjc.  
rapterjc: You're the hitman.  
Zolo: I've been paid good money to kill you.  
rapterjc: Wow didn't know Sakura had connections to 'One Piece'  
Zolo: Any last words?  
---5 seconds later---  
rapterjc: So you see it's more beneficial to let me live.  
Zolo: Alright bye.  
rapterjc: Another hitman stopped. When will people learn?


End file.
